Learning to Be Lonely
Posted on 2025-08-01
Category: Lifestyle
I’d like to know of some of you deal with loneliness.
I’m not talking the fleeting thoughts or moments some of us have where we wish we had a date or a relationship in out life.
I’m referring to the time where you feel like the loneliness is going to swallow you whole, and you have this nagging fear that it might never end. It passes, of course. But when you’re in it, in the eye of the storm that swirls around your chest, how do you get through it?
Because that’s where I am right now.
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It will go away. I know that. But for now, when I have all these thoughts bouncing around my brain, and have some latent resentment kicking around in my gut after a particularly brutal snubbing that I set myself up for….it’s hard not to just let it all over come me. Normally I’d call my Dad, but with not one but two members of my immediate family now battling cancer, it seems almost selfish of me to even complain. I’d call another sister, but today would have been her son’s 22nd birthday. So, really, my little pity party pales in comparison. I’ve always felt a bit like an afterthought where my family was concerned. It wasn’t intentional on their part. Christ, I was born on New Year’s Eve. Can you think of a worse day to have as “your special day?” Talk about being a low priority 
I was watching The Kids Are All Right recently. (See it. So fucking well written, phenomenal acting, and two words: Mark Ruffalo) One of the characters was explaining how sometimes a woman needs to be penetrated. She was explaining why a lesbian might enjoy gay male porn to her teenage son. I totally got what she was saying. It explained, to me, why she ends up cheating on her partner with a man. Her character was so lost and unsure of herself that she made a really critical mistake. I fully understand that need to be penetrated, physically or emotionally, when you feel like that. It’s not just about the physical sensation, either. It’s about the feeling of total emotional isolation..even from yourself, and what being physically connected to another person emotionally provides.
I’ve always enjoyed being alone. I’ve actually chosen to be alone a lot. From a young age, it was pretty much just me. My sisters and all my cousins were much older than I was. Then my Mom got sick and the goal was to keep me away from her so that I wouldn’t know, or say anything to her and ask her questions. But I knew. I was the only one of my sisters that knew she was dying. So entertaining myself became a well honed skill by age 8 or 9. I never had a problem with being alone. Until recently.
Maybe this is a good thing? Especially since I’ve chosen not to share so much of my life anymore. I know, with every fiber of my being, that blogging about my dates and relationship history kept me single. I know. And I’ve already seen significant change in the 6 or so months since I’ve tapered back on it. But what I never realized was how dependent I was on blogging and the access and connection it gave me to other people. With all the talk of safety nets we do around here….this was the biggest one of all. Maybe I needed to finally get sick of being alone?
Yes. I know. Boo fucking hoo. Poor lonely blogger. I apologize if this seems overwrought. I’ve kept a lot of it in just because I don’t like the idea of a certain someone having access to such private thoughts anymore. Now that enough time has passed it’s my hope that I can write such things freely again. Not my personal life, per se, but personal thoughts or feelings here and there. I had to forgive myself for ignoring my instincts. For those of you that know me, I pride myself on my ability to read situations. So this particular situation left me feeling terribly angry..at myself. But that’s what happens when you don’t know how to deal with the voices in your head. The messages. The nagging fears. You just want to silence them in any way you can so you find something to hold on to and get you through to the other side. That’s when we silently ssshhh those whispers (or, in my case, loud shouts from friends and long time commenters.) Our need to silence those tapes in our head becomes paramount. And sometimes it causes us to trust the wrong people. Which just makes us feel more lonely when the truth is finally revealed.
But we bounce back. We have to. There is no other choice.
It’s just that sometimes the load gets particularly heavy and you have to let some of go if you ever hope to reach your destination.
So what do you do? Who do you turn to? When you feel that isolation and anger or fear rise up in your throat to the point where all you want to do is lash out, how do you tame it? Do you work out? Read? Meditate? Fuck? All of them? None of them? Help me out here….
P.S. I had to attached a more lighthearted photo to this wah wah wah post.